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What the **** Do You Ride Cheeks To?

So the other night I’m at this open bar and I ask the DJ if he has Again by Fetty Wap.


The Milly Rock?


Hot Nigga, Trap Queen, Five Mo?

Pretty much run the gambit of any and all recent bangers that make parties not suck; to which he replies “I don’t play that shit man; I’m more into that ‘real’ shit; that DMX, Nas?”


Everyone and their mother knows how self-described Hip-Hop heads [see: uptight white hipsters who need you to know how “woke” they are; niggas who dress like man did not evolve past the 90’s] love to declare “rap is dead” or talk about how much it sucks now, especially in reference to acts like Two-Chainz, Young Thug, Future, Rae Sremmurd, etc.

The most popular criticisms of which being their slurred, auto-tuned delivery, meant to mimic the jarbled-verbage effects of lean, being too unintelligible, to the shallow vapidity of their lyrics.

Hell, even the Somali vampire possessed by the soul of Eminem who beefed with Tyler, the Creator for stealing the “weird and black at the same time”-niche just dropped his only song worth listening to about it:

Now to people similarly disgruntled on the current state of Hip-Hop; I ask the same question I asked the DJ that night:

What the fuck do you ride cheeks to?

No, seriously, what in the hell type of parties do these fucking “wahhhhhh rap sucks now” niggas be going to if the only music they’re ever tryna hear EVER essentially translates to anthropology essays on the struggles of black youth in the inner-city?

Are y’ll tryna grab a honey and blow her back out to Dead Prez?

Y’all do work on shorties at King of the Dot battles?

Y’all invite girls over for some Smack DVDs and chill?

What is with the idea that in order for someone to truly be “intellectual” they can never enjoy “stupid” media like “shitty” rap, “dumb” comedy, or “violent/sexy” movies or pretend they never have their place or purpose?

Is your ego so desperate that you can never just let go and enjoy shit that isn’t a constant reaffirmation of how oh-so-smart you are?

“but-but-but Chef, how can you enjoy music with lyrics you only half understand?”

Oh idk, the same way I somehow enjoy reggae I only half understand?

Or the same way half the pseudo intellectual fucks who bitch about how they can’t understand rap artists can turn around and listen to sad white guys mumble over acoustic guitars in some shitty basement swearing they know beer cuz they’re drink is spelled with initials?

“but-but-but Chef, the lyrics were so much more meaningful back in the 90s and early 2000s!”

Oh yeah I miss that deep woke shit like Biggie talking about ass-fucking some dude with a broom in dead wrong, or Eminem talking about doing coke and raping his mom in kill you, or DMX talking bout bussin in your eyes so you can see him coming in Where the Hood At, and lets not forget Tupac’s esteemed ruminations over how he fucked Biggie’s bitch in hit em up.

“but-but-but Chef, how can you be both woke about issues on race/culture/and the world and enjoy dumb stuff at the same time?”

Oh idk, the same way students can go to school and study both math AND science at the same time?

I swear niggas won’t be happy til they’re at the function tryna ride cheeks to Nas.